


The Concealment Formulation

by Jenni_Snake



Category: Big Bang Theory
Genre: Angst and Humor, Coming Out, Drama, First Kiss, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-11
Updated: 2011-10-11
Packaged: 2017-10-24 12:26:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,268
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/263452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jenni_Snake/pseuds/Jenni_Snake
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A game of Uno and a game of pick-up-chicks get too personal for Howard.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Concealment Formulation

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers for all of Howard's crazy chick pick-up schemes.  
> (originally posted 2011/07/13)

“Draw two,” Sheldon said to Raj as he placed another Uno card on the table.

“This sucks,” Raj said, retrieving the cards and filing them away in amongst the dozens of others already in his hand. “Why do we have to play this stupid game anyway?”

“Because it’s the only thing we didn’t disagree on,” Leonard said, placing a card on the pile.

“Uno is a game with a rich history,” Sheldon explained proudly. “It’s been played, in various formations, for centuries, and requires the strategies of chess combined with the…”

“Skip,” Howard announced to Sheldon, who stopped his rambling, and pursed his lips.

Raj put down a card easily, and Leonard looked at his choices thoughtfully before choosing.

“So does anyone want to come with me to Barnes & Noble on Saturday?” Howard said, picking up two cards.

“What are you doing at Barnes & Noble?” Leonard asked.

“Picking up chicks, of course.”

“Of course,” Leonard repeated, “how silly of me to ask.”

“Do you need an eye patch for that?” Raj asked.

“Nope this is much easier, I read about it online. You just have to hang out reading books and the babes come to you. And if that doesn't work, there are tips for picking up the staff, too...”

“Raj, I believe it’s your turn to do the picking up,” Sheldon reminded him.

“That's... really creepy, dude,” said Raj over Sheldon, but still filing more cards into his hand.

“Yeah?” Howard retorted. “Well at least I’m trying.”

He put down a card, Sheldon covered it, and Raj was finally able to put something down without picking up something else. Leonard paused in thought before placing a card and turning to Howard.

“Howard, did you ever notice that your hair-brained schemes work better at keeping women away than actually attracting them?”

Howard flashed an awkward, panicked grin.

“What are you talking about?”

“Well, there was the Goth night...”

“I was not going to get tattooed just to have sex!”

“Well, dude, actually, you were…”

“Then there was the Top Model house…”

“It wasn’t our fault that security got suspicious before we could get to the pool!”

“Also,” Raj added, “you offered Stephanie a chance to drive the Mars rover and she ended up getting together with Leonard…”

“It was because the damned thing crashed!”

“You were driving…”

“Don’t forget that Penny ended up breaking your nose,” Sheldon added, only half paying attention to what was going on in the conversation, but engrossed in what was going on in the game.

“Then, because of some troll, and I mean that literally, you broke up with Bernadette… Uno.”

“Are you finished?” Howard asked them, slamming a card down onto the table.

Sheldon jumped, and Leonard and Raj stopped for a moment, ignoring Howard’s indignation and searching their brains for more examples.

“No, that’s all I can think of at the moment.”

“Me, too.”

“Thank God,” Sheldon muttered, putting down a card.

“You know,” Leonard said after a round of silence, in which he placed his last card (much to Sheldon’s chagrin), “it's almost like you don't want girls to go out with you.”

“That's insane,” Howard tittered, his eyes darting around the room, and wiping his palms on his pants. “Of course I want girls to go out with me!”

“I don't know... You seem to work awful hard at making a big show of making sure you're never going to get a serious girlfriend. It's just grandstanding.”

“I don't know what you're talking about,” he said, still not making eye contact with anyone. “And Uno, by the way.”

“I believe what Leonard is trying to say,” Sheldon volunteered, “is that, while for all appearances it seems that you are pursuing an inordinate amount of women, you’re doing it more for show, and not in order to reach a successful conclusion. Sound and fury, signifying nothing.”

“Thank you, Shakespeare, and you know what, Leonard? Nobody asked for your opinion,” Howard said, slapping down another card. “Last card. I'm out. And I don't have to take this. I'm going to get some air.”

“Oh, Howard, come on!” Leonard called after him.

“I’ll go talk to him,” Raj said, handing his cards to Leonard. “Good luck with those.”

“Pick up four,” Sheldon told Leonard.

“Oh man…”

*

The sun was just starting to go down over the skyline making everything glow.

“Hey,” Raj said, stepping out onto the roof. He joined Howard, who was standing with his arms crossed on his chest, looking into the distance.

“Hey,” Howard murmured, not turning around.

Raj leaned on the ledge and nudged Howard’s shoulder with his own, but Howard didn’t move. There was a long silence.

“Leonard was right, wasn't he?” asked Raj, finally.

“Right about what?”

“That you don't really want a girlfriend.”

“Of course I do!” Howard said defensively, finally looking at Raj. “Why else would I spend so much time trying to get one?”

Raj shrugged. Another moment passed in silence.

“Why do you want a girlfriend?”

“What?” Howard asked with a nervous laugh. “What kind of question is that? Everybody wants a girlfriend.”

“Wrong answer,” Raj told him.

“What do you mean ‘wrong answer?’ What's the right answer, then?”

“I don’t know, something about not dying alone. You have to think about it, practise it.”

“What do you mean 'practise'?”

“You know. You have to have something ready to say so people won't ask you...”

“Won’t ask you what?”

Raj shrugged again.

“You know, ask you: 'Raj, why are you always hanging out with Howard? Why don't you go get yourself a girlfriend?'”

“Well, why don't you?” Howard asked, a little more relaxed now.

“The same reason you don't.”

“My only reason is I can't.”

“Really? Then why do I always catch you staring at me?”

“What?!” Howard tensed. “I do not!”

“Dude, you do, too.”

“If I do, how come nobody else has said anything?”

“You really think they notice?”

“Notice what?” Howard asked, getting more and more irritated. “I still don't know what the hell you're talking about.”

“Yes, you do...”

“No, I don't!” he yelled. “I'm going to go to the bookstore to pick up girls on the weekend, that's all! Why is that such a big deal?”

“Oh my God, would you stop wasting your life like that?!” Raj cried, throwing up his hands.

“What do you mean 'wasting my life?’”

“Pretending!”

“I'm not pretending!”

“Please don't lie to me, Howard,” Raj said, looking him in the eye.

Howard looked back at him for a very long time. He chewed his bottom lip, his eyes searching, verifying. They got a bit watery.

“What else am I supposed to do?” he asked in a very small voice.

Raj took his hands.

“Kiss me.”

“What?”

Raj pulled Howard’s hands to his hips and placed his own on each side of Howard’s face.

There was an infinite pause, then, finally, their lips met.

They stopped, and Howard gave a quiet laugh of disbelief as he wiped the tears from his cheeks.

“I feel like a bit of an idiot,” he sniffled.

“And a bit better, too?” Raj offered.

“Yeah, that too...”

When Leonard found them, they were sitting with their backs to the wall, hands entwined, watching the sunset. Howard had his head on Raj’s shoulder. Leonard smiled at them and sat down next to Raj.

“Hey,” he said.

“Hey.”

“Sorry for being a massive jerk before.”

“That’s okay… All’s well that ends well, right?”

A few minutes later, Sheldon appeared, Uno deck in hand, and was forced to play a round of solitaire under the orange glow of the sky.

 

\---


End file.
